Lately, for me, life has been seriously in session.  OK, before I go down this path I am going to give a bit of a disclaimer: THERE MIGHT BE AN OVERUSE OF 12 STEP PROGRAM SLOGANS IN THIS POST.  If you choose to read on from here or not is up to you.  I feel like for quite some time I've been taking my turn in the barrel.  I don't know if it has been me feeling sorry for myself or if I really have something wrong mentally.  I don't know.  Or could it possibly be just life happening?  I can say that for some time now I have felt like a shell of myself in almost every facet of life.  I'll be the first one to tell you that sometimes I don't do life on life's terms very well.  For some reason though, lately especially, it's been different.  Like I've been battling an enormous dragon that just toys with me and brings me right to the brink of extinction day after day.  It purposely let's me up and gives me a glimmer of hope only so it can smack me down again the next day.  Of course I know that life isn't a fucking dragon.  Do you think I'm that much of a delusional buffoon?  Wait, don't answer that!  It's an analogy that helps me paint a picture for you about what is going on in my mind.  Knowing that I am not really fighting a losing battle with a dragon is really quite a relief.  I mean, fuck, I've never known anyone that has actually defeated one.  Do you? Needless to say, I've been feeling pretty shitty lately.  And between you and me, I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  Feeling sick and tired is a saying that a lot of people use when they're just fed up with shit.  That's where I'm at!  I'm fed up with how I've been thinking, how I've been viewing life, how I've been viewing myself.  You name it and chances are... I'm fucking fed up with it.  Again, I come back to I don't know why I've been feeling this way, just that I have and I am fucking over it.  MOTHER-FUCKING OVER IT!!!!!  Is that clear enough?  So how do I change if I can't figure out why I've been bogged down in this malaise?  I'm glad I asked myself this question.  Action.  Huh?  Action.  Take fucking action.  Get off my ass and start rewriting the stories and narratives that I am telling myself.

When I reflect on my life I see that it's filled with the usual, or not so usual, ups and downs that one would imagine or associate with life.  However, when I start to really examine my life it seems that there have been a few stories that I have been telling myself, told and/or believed about myself.  They seem to have similar themes, but aren't outwardly or overtly stories of self-loathing or self-sabotage.  They might even only be one story, and for me this story or stories are far, far worse.  Worse in the sense that the overall theme is more subversive and subtle.  The kind of stories(I'm going to stick with the plural for ease of reading and writing) that allow for the illusion that I am actually on the right side of thought.  Of life.  Those stories that lie in the subconscious, under the surface that are the script by which I've lived my life.  The ones where waiting for shit to hit the fan is not a question of if, but of when.  I've been working to unravel these stories with the help of a therapist, but as with many things in life it seemingly gets worse before there's even one shred of hope.

What are the stories?  Finally!  You're probably thinking to yourself "well it's about fucking time."  The stories aren't important.  Now you're really pissed, aren't you?  But seriously, the specific details aren't important.  What is important are the themes.  While they haven't been, as previously stated, overtly self-loathing or sabotaging they are there.  The few central themes are: I'm not good enough, I don't fit in, I'm not worthy of love, I am less than, and the big one... It doesn't matter what I do, it will eventually come crashing down anyway(I want to take a break for a moment and give a shout out to Vampire Weekend for my use of the Oxford comma-I also want to say "who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?").  Now I don't claim to know anything other than what goes on in my own mind, and the themes of what goes on in the stories I have may not seem like anything to you.  That's OK.  We are all on our own journeys.  There are things that baffle others that I just shrug my shoulders at and think "how could that be so troubling for them?"  I guess my point is that what I wrote down as the themes of my stories are a big deal for me.  They are themes that I struggle with.  Almost to the point of insanity.  Insanity defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  This could be a plausible explanation for why I've lived the way I've lived or why I've had the results I've had throughout life.  The stories that I carry with me, that I've convinced myself are true have kept me in this endless cycle of rise and fall.  Something very important to note: My life is actually pretty good.  I want it to be better than pretty good.  WAY. FUCKING. BETTER.

So if nothing changes...nothing changes.  What has to change are the narratives I am telling myself.  The themes must change in order to manifest change in mindset.  I may go all Stuart Smalley over here or a may go all Gary John Bishop and just "unfuck" myself.  It may be a little, or a lot of, "fake it 'til you make it" sprinkled with a little "let go and let God."

Stop.  Before you get all self-righteous on me about the whole "God," thing just hold on a minute.

I am talking about my own personal concept of a higher power.  It is just easier to call it God.  If you must know, I usually refer to my higher power as Morgan Freeman(It's a long story for another time).

The bottom line is if I'm going to change my results.  Really change my results I have to change the stories I tell myself about myself.  Rid myself of the language that leaves me in a state of lack and switch to language that sets intention.  That's what all the badasses do, right?  I'm going to start right now: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it...people like me(I had to add in a little humor on a pretty serious subject)!