Over the course of the last few years, lots of books and hours of introspection later, I've come to find out some very interesting things about myself. Not necessarily found out but more like allowed myself to admit. Out loud. I know that I'm not unique enough to be the only person to have these types of revelations, and perhaps I'm the last one to know or realize these things about myself. For years I always thought of myself as an outgoing extroverted person, but this just is not the case.

I was able to hide and tuck myself away in the deepest of recesses so I could personify the badass chef. I acted like this was my world and all of you were just lucky enough to be in it. I hid behind the uniform and the perceived status and clout that being a chef had to get what I wanted and treat most people pretty shitty.

Now having said that, I will say that I wasn't such a douche bag that I treated everyone like that. But I did, in fact, use the persona of the chef to manipulate at times to get what I wanted or to steam roll over you to prove that I was the alpha. What a bunch of shit! For behind all the bravado and arrogance was just a guy or a kid, really, that wanted you to like me and didn't have the wherewithal to just be me. Because I didn't think you would if you really knew me. There people who know me implicitly and there are people that not matter what I do or did would still be there. Not sure why I needed to tell myself that right there, but oh well...I did. So I used this alter ego of the tyrannical, yet caring and sensitive, chef emerge. It served me well for a number of years, until it didn't. I'll come back to that.

You know how people have a job and they go there, punch the clock(for lack of a better term), do their job for however many hours and then go home leaving the job behind. That sounds like a good way to be, right? It's considered normal and more importantly, healthy. I didn't. When I got my first gig as an Executive Chef I was handed a certain power. A power that I definitely wasn't ready for at the age of 23. I became intoxicated by the power using it and wielding it as if it were some magical sword for people to behold. Basically, I acted like I was the shit! More like I was shit...a little immature shit. Not only was being a chef the role I played, it was who I became. For a good number of years it WAS who I WAS. There was no separation. There was no "leaving it at the office." It was like when Venom first appears in SpiderMan 3. Peter gets a taste of this new-found energy and people start viewing him differently, but in the process becomes an incredibly selfish and arrogant bastard that thinks his shit doesn't stink. All the while he's oblivious to the people he's hurt along the way. Yep. I wasn't SpiderMan or anything like that, but I walked around "as if," and with a swagger about myself that I never had experienced before. I got high on how I was perceived and the treatment I got from others because I was pretty good at making food.

I was able to hold it together for a good run, but as is often the case when you don't treat the power with respect it comes back to kick you in the balls. Like sitting on an alligator trying to hold its mouth shut, but knowing it's just too strong for you and eventually it will thrash around and spin on you. You know at that point you're fucked! You're in a battle for your life or in some sort of sick dance with your own personality and facade and you know the only way to break free is to shed everything and allow yourself to be seen. Who the fuck wants to do that? That's the real scary shit, right there.

OK, so what are the options again? Wrestle with an alligator or expose myself and let myself be vulnerable. Hmm, I choose the fucking alligator in a steel cage match to the death! That's where my ego took me. A real piece of work, a? My ego was so unchecked and out of control that it took hold of every part of me.

Every decision, every moment, how I interacted with people. All driven by ego, by self. I thought I was in control. But as is the case with so many things, it was just an illusion. Ego lifted me up, took me on a tour through life, for a time. It intoxicated me. Fooled me into thinking that I had it all figured out and I was for lack of a better term "calling the shots." What a fool!

I really had no control just like the addict that can't stop, I was spiraling out of control and slowly being dragged down. The sick and sad part was that I didn't realize or have the slightest clue that this was going on. Just like the speed addict that started out as a beautiful girl or handsome man after a brief period of being hooked their appearances start to change in a physical way that most would consider unbecoming. I started to change. Unfortunately, the signs of your ego taking you down are much more subtle. Almost unable to be seen. Some might argue that it is more dangerous than a physical addiction to a substance. Often times the two go hand in hand. I won't go into all the details now because we just don't have the time. I will say, though, I am happy that I made it out alive! I haven't completely won the war with ego, but I am much better off and better equipped to do battle when it shows up.

Ego Is Not Your Amigo!

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